BELLA SWAN MUST DIE
by Kepouros
Summary: Here it is: what your non-conformist alter-ego has been yearning for. A request story for ways to kill Bella. And possibly Edward, just because I'm thorough. Review, leave a suggestion, and enjoy, my little devils...her fate is up to you.
1. DA RULES

Surety is something so very precious in this world. We exist in shades of gray, the in-between, the alternate.

Of one thing, I am absolutely certain.

Bella Swan must die.

And using the power of my mighty pen, I will kill her.

As many different ways I can think of.

For my imagination is not kind. In fact, you could say it is cruel, unusual, and sickeningly creative. But I will be the voice of every disillusioned Twihard on the planet: I will speak FOR that deep, dark part of their hearts that recognizes Bella Swan as the personality-less, drab succubus that she is.

And if I can kill Edward too, well, all the sweeter.

OOOO

OOOO

OOOO

Did I mention I would be wearing a gleeful smile?

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><p><strong>Okay, now that I've thoroughly pissed off some preteen schoolgirl to the point of hate-spamming and tearing through a carton of Ben and Jerry's (well-seasoned with the tears of her ruined fantasy), allow me to explain how this will work:<strong>

**I have two words for you..._CHARACTER DEATH. _It will be in ALL the proceeding chapters. **

**And here's the most fun part: I take suggestions. Review and leave a method of execution, murder, or termination. I'll pick the best ones and write about them.**

**Oh, and if you can't take me fake-killing your fake-heroine/obsession/object of vicariism, get over it. I will not respond to hate mail.  
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**YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.  
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**OOO**

**OOO**

**OOO**

**Alright, let's get started...  
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	2. Star Wars

**Twilight x StarWars: A New Hope**

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><p>Edward Skywalker and Princess Bella stand panting on an extendable gangplank<strong>.<strong> Across a huge, cavernous drop into the ship's core lies another gangplank, and safety. But the scrabbling on the other side of the door they just exited alerts Edward to their impending capture/execution. Using his scavenged blaster, Edward shoots the control panel that opens the door, trapping himself and the princess on one side, and the horde of troopers intent on taking them dead or alive on the other side. The gangplank is now without extendability.

"That should hold them for a while," affirms the would-be Jedi, nodding and mentally patting himself on the back. Saved the girl, avoided getting either of them perforated, and managed to keep his hair perfect. Now all he had to do was get them off the Death Star.

"We're stuck here," prissed Bella dully, crossing her arms. She glanced down at the door, in which was appearing a glowing, soldered line. "And they're cutting through."

"No worries," replied Edward, thinking on his feet (hard to do, his singular brain cell was occupied at the moment). He removed a grappling hook from his confiscated trooper belt, swung it around, and -

"OW! SONOFA - !"

"Oh, sorry! Sorry! Is your face okay?"

"Just get me off this platform, retard."

"Fine, fine." Edward muttered something under his breath that sounded like 'witch', swung the hook again, and looped it securely to a protruding pipe on the first go. Wow, he was on a serious roll today. With a swagger, he gathered Princess Bella under one arm, attached the grapple cord to his belt, and took a Tarzan-swing across the space.

Unfortunately, he forgot how much a girl weighed. And he'd used his weak arm to hold her.

"AAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIGGGGHHHHH!" screamed Bella as she dropped down the miles-long shaft to her death.

Edward landed on the platform, and looked over the edge at the tiny, smoldering dot on the core's surface. "Crap. That's gonna be hard to explain."


	3. Hippies

Behind a wooden police barrier, a crowd of interested onlookers watched, argued, and tried to push through the line of officers keeping them in check. Some of them wore reflective safety vests, hardhats, and work boots, and others wore bell-bottoms and fringed jackets.

High school students Edward, Bella, Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, and Emmet sat around tree. Or, more accurately, they had chained themselves around the tree, which was a century-old oak, and those chains were covered by segments of PVC pipe. Debating and bargaining with them had proved fruitless, spawning only rants against The Man. From the depths of their tie-died and groovy hearts they were singing, _"Weeee shall not, we shall not be moved..."_

"Dear, sweet Peter," groaned one of the police officers standing around them. "Make them stop."

_"Weeee shall not, we shall not be moved..."_

"That's it!" blustered a construction crew manager, stomping up to the officer. "If you don't get these kids out of here so my guys can start working, I'm filing a complaint!"

"Take a number," shot back the officer. He turned to his superior and murmured, "Seriously, though, what are gonna do?"

"You got pepper spray?" asked the superior thoughtfully.

"Yeah."

"It's non-toxic and relatively harmless. The press can only hate on us so much. Use it."

The officer hesitated for a moment, nodded, and drew the canister from his belt.

"BRING IT ON, ENEMIES OF MOTHER EARTH!" shrieked Alice, twisting in her chains to see around the tree's girth. "Isn't this great, Bella?" she asked brightly.

Bella's peace-sign earrings flashed as she sighed. "They're going to pepper spray us," she responded matter-of-factly.

"So? Anything to save this beautiful tree!"

"It'll ruin your makeup."

Alice sobered, closing her eyes. "For the cause. BRING IT ON, PIGS!"

The officer leveled his canister at Edward's face, holding the button for two seconds. Edward yelled, "ARGH! It burns!"

"Be strong, Ed!" urged Jasper. "Don't let go!"

"You're all getting a face full of this stuff if you don't let go right now," ordered the superior. He nodded, and the subordinate leveled the canister at Rosalie's face. She took it bravely, gritting her teeth, and tightened her hold on the chains.

"Your turn, little missy," sighed the superior to Alice. The daisy-chained petite took the spray with a cry, but her skinny arms went taut as she gripped with renewed vigor.

"And now, for you."

"Oh, crap," said Bella disinterestedly. The can hissed. "ARGH!"

"Be strong, baby!" called Edward from the opposite side of the tree. "It'll wear off!"

"Why didn't you talk me out of this?" called Bella back.

"You wanted to save the tree, love bug!"

"Oh, come on. I talked you out of smoking pot because it shrinks your family jewels, because God knows, you need all the help you can - " she started to cough. And hack. And gasp. Her face began to erupt in awful red splotches.

"You only used a two-second burst," reasoned the superior officer. "Did she breathe it in?"

Five minutes later, Bella was moved. In a body bag, to an ambulance, which departed from the scene without its sirens or lights.

"She was severely allergic to peppers," mourned Alice, burying her face in Jasper's tie-dyed t-shirt.

Emmet shrugged. "Harsh toke, I guess."


	4. Hannibal Lecter

Dr. Hannibal Lecter smiled emptily at the female restrained in the dentist's chair before him. "Now, Miss Swan, I had thought that the revelation of your certain fate would elicit some sort of response. Tell me, how does knowing you're about to die feel?"

"Um...sticky," said Bella, glancing down at her bonds.

"Sticky?"

"Yeah, this duct tape is seriously sticky, and it's kinda uncomfortable."

"I see," replied the doctor. She was deeply embedded in her 'happy place', far away from the reality she was going to be his next meal. No matter: she couldn't hide for long.

Lecter picked up a scalpel from a nearby tray with a latex-gloved hand, studying the sharp edge and gleam in the light. "Now I just have to decide what part of you to eat."

"Well, if I were to play devil's advocate, I would say my toe."

"Go on," urged the doctor, intent on extracting a psychological thrill from her demented mind.

"I have, all total, ten toes, each more delicious than the last. Ask Edward, he'll tell you."

"And who might Edward be?"

"My boyfriend."

"And why might he...never mind. I think I like the idea of flavoring a soup with a hock."

"What's a hock?"

"On mammals, it is the joint of the knee and around four inches of bone on either end."

"That sounds yummy. What can I do to help?"

"Hold very, very still," intoned the doctor with wicked indifference. "And scream very, very loudly..."

As the scalpel came to bear, and then the bone saw, she did as bade.

The soup was, indeed, divine.


	5. Saw

Bella's mind was fuzzy as she groaned into consciousness. Her limbs were heavy, but not nearly as heavy as her head and shoulders.

Wait a minute...why was it so hot in here? And what was that slimy feeling on her face...?

Bella bolted upright with a shriek. Her hands scrabbled uselessly at the diver's helmet firmly closed around her head, and she flailed frantically in an attempt to dislodge the leeches crawling along her mouth, nose, and cheeks.

A derelict TV lowered itself from the ceiling, and on it appeared a clown's face with bulging cheekbones and red accents. "Hello, Bella," said the clown. "I want to play a game."

"G-game?" stuttered Bella, transfixed by the manifold terror inspired by her predicament.

"See Edward over there?"

Bella turned her narrow, round window of vision, shuddering as the crawling leeches fell off the glass. In the corner, chained spread-eagle, was Edward. He was nodding into wakefulness, but Bella was more concerned with the massive amount of dried blood on his face and the puckered, black stitches over his eye.

"What did you do to him?" she shouted at the clown on the TV.

"The key to the helmet on your head is behind your boyfriend's eye," continued the clown. "If you don't get it and unlock your helmet in one minute, the helmet will partially fill with water up to your ears. Once that happens, the leeches will have a clear shot at your brain, where they will eat their fill until you finally die an agonized death."

Bella's eyes began to tear. "No, please, no."

"Your time starts now." The TV retracted into the ceiling.

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><p><strong>Yeah, I know, a little dark. I've never seen the Saw movies, and for that, I am grateful. I have enough mental scars as it is. :)<strong>

**PROPMT ME!**


	6. Titanic

Bella and Edward stood on the prow of the majestic cruise liner, the Titanic. Edward, the misunderstood, ruffian artist was supporting his true love's waist as she cut the air with her sharp nose, arms spread wide to disperse her body odor.

"This is awesome!" she exclaimed, flapping her arms.

Edward smothered a choke in his shoulder awkwardly at the fresh wave of corn chips. Unfortunately, deodorant was yet to be invented.

"Indeed," he replied. Despite her smell, and the icepick attached to her face, she really was a sweet girl. If he ever got the nerve, he would ask her to marry him.

He did not count on the proliferation of seabirds.

One of the avians had been hatched into a destiny, and raised by his feathered family with one purpose. In that moment of air spilling out of wings and a kamikaze cry, the bird dive bombed. It hit Bella square in the face.

With a scream and a full-body convulsion, Bella squirmed out of Edward's grasp, tipping over the railing to fall into the churning water.

"BELLA! NOOOOOOOOO!" shouted Edward dramatically as his love disappeared beneath the waves.

He stared at where she vanished for a long, long time.

And then he went inside to chat up that scullery maid from the dance floor the night before.

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><p><strong>Drop me a review with a suggestion for BellaEdward's demise!**


	7. Cullenaid!

If life gives you Cullens...

throw them all in an industrial blender/cement mixer, chain down the lid, pulse until the liquid looks like Kesha's vomit, and throw it in a tall glass. CULLENAID!


End file.
